The oxygen pump pulses in and out...
The hospital bed takes center stage where her favorite chair was...
The open window lets the musical tingling of her cherished wind chimes fill the air.
I sit in the living room wishing there was more I could do.
Wishing I could take the pain away.
Wishing I could give her back her voice.
Aching for her.
Aching for him.
As I read what a friend wrote as he dealt with a loss such as I am facing, I found his words described so perfectly what I am feeling now...
The worst part is that emotion—that dreadful little feeling of helplessness, that deep understanding that there is nothing I can do—I can only be. Doing is the easy part; it’s the being that is the hard thing. It’s so much easier to run someplace, to buy something, to go on an errand; but to simply be there…that is the hard part. To be there when her eyes open, to see her when she smiles or grimaces, murmurs..., and falls back asleep; and through it all, to not have the ability to stay the inevitable.
I do not know how much longer my mother will remain on this side of the veil. Even though I believe that this life is not the end...that my mom will be welcomed home with outspread arms...that we will be together again as a family after this life...I cannot help but wonder why it must be this way. I cannot say I understand why she has been asked to pass through this trial. I only know that I have to have faith that the Lord who sees the end from the beginning has a purpose for this.
I cling to the idea that...
"...We are made of the stuff of eternity. We are eternal beings, children of the Almighty God, whose name is Endless and who promises eternal blessings without number. Endings are not our destiny...Endings here in mortality are not endings at all. They are merely interruptions—temporary pauses that one day will seem small compared to the eternal joy awaiting the faithful...In His plan there are no true endings, only everlasting beginnings.” - Dieter F. Uchtdorf
...Only everlasting beginnings...
What a promise...
Darling girl my heart aches for you at this time and for the trial that you are all facing right now. I know that there must be a purpose in all things, and yet I wish that such suffering and struggle didn't have to be one of them. What a testament to the goodness of your mother's life in that she will be missed when she passes beyond the veil, but what a blessing at the same time as she is reunited with loved ones who went on before her. Whenever times get especially hard, I keep reminding myself of the joyous reunion awaiting me when it is finally my turn to pass on to the next stage of my eternal progress. Its not easy to have someone who means so much to you no longer be there in body, but always remember dear one, that your mother will never be far from you and physical death cannot end her boundless love for you all. She is simply letting go of the body that is no longer capable of helping her to progress forward and releasing her spirit to a place where she can watch over all of you until you are once again reunited. What love our Father must have for us to grant us Eternity with those we cherish... to know that nothing is ever truly lost to us. Until you meet again, know that she will always be with you. You may not see her, but you will feel her when she is there... I promise you this. There is life beyond this "vale of tears" and it is but a brief moment of separation in the vastness of our Eternal experience. Hold on to that in the days to come. I wish I could somehow lift your pain from you... oh how I wish it... but I am always there if you need to talk or just need someone to cry with. My thoughts and my prayers are with you and always remember Mindy that you are so very deeply loved.
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